How I got the body I've always wanted

This past weekend, I turned 30. Officially in the dirty thirties now. And I feel great. Fantastic, in fact.

My awesome hubby took me on a helicopter flight for my b'day!

It has been 1 year since I wrote my postabout putting on weight to restore my fertility. It has been 3 years since I lost my period due to under-eating, over-exercising, taking the birth control pill and being a stressed-out, maniacal perfectionist. It has been an interesting 30-year journey of progressing from someone who was constantly trying to change her body to meet some unrealistic ideal, to someone who actually loves the skin she is in. And I am not just saying that. For the first time in my life, I actually really love my body.

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but putting it off. Not sure why. I guess we all have a fear of being judged in a negative light. So I ask you to please, if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all. OK here goes...

For reference purposes, here is my before and after pic to show my progress. Please excuse the hair in both shots – one was scraggly beach hair and the other sweaty post-workout hair. But it’s not about the hair (although it is thicker and more lustrous nowadays). Let’s take an objective view here, simply looking at the change in body shape.

On the left, you will see “Check out my 8-pack, you think I'm healthy and fit , but my fertility is in the shitter” Kate. I showed this to a friend the other day and she said “Oh wow! What were you training for?”. Nothing. I was training for my illusive “dream body”. Pfft.

On the right, you will see “Check out my boobs, I look healthy and feminine and my internal state reflects this” Kate. There are just two things that I do not like about this pic – 

1)My lack of tan (although I have that many layers on here in Wanaka that a tan would not even get noticed) and 

2)The selfie pose. I hate bathroom-half-naked selfies. It makes you look like such a wanker. I apologise. I am doing this for reference purposes, not to show off or entice more Instagram followers.

OK, so aside from having boobs (seriously, I’m still obsessed with them), what is so great about my new body? Probably best if I list out the reasons, as I tend to do. As always, feel free to just read the bolded text to get a general gist:

1. I have unbelievable energy. I used to have to take regular naps throughout the day, just to make it through. Now, I can soldier through, completely sans-caffeine. Funny what happens when you start to eat enough
2. The whites of my eyes are crystal clear. They used to be constantly bloodshot and my vision was blurry. I relied on ClearEyes, and I wasn’t even getting stoned!
3. My skin is clear and wrinkle free. Previously, it would look kind of dry and lackluster
4. My nails are thick and strong. For the first time in my life, my nails are not snapping off as soon as a little bit of white appears. I used to have vertical ridges (signs of adrenal fatigue) and horizontal ridges (signs of thyroid issues). These ridges are almost non-existent now
5. My gray hairs have disappeared. Now this one I find quite odd, and did not think it possible. I used to have quite a few gray hairs, and my hairdresser can vouch for this – she kindly pointed out a patch of grays on my head that I would have otherwise been unaware of. Thanks Leigh. Those grays – all gone! Bizarre, right?
6. My cycle is getting back on track. Thank God, because that’s the whole reason I headed down this road. It’s not perfect – about 40 day cycles, but compared to the nothingness of about 6mths ago, this is a pretty significant improvement
7. I can do crazy yoga shit. Seriously – handstands and backbends and balances and all sorts of awesome stuff. I am loving it! I would never have gone down the yoga path if I wasn’t forced to sort out my stress and pull back on the chronic cardio that I was doing
8. I am so much more in tune with my body now. I listen to how it feels and I respond with understanding and respect, rather than saying “Harden up! It’ll be worth it”, because more often than not, it won’t be worth it.
9. My hubby thinks I am sexy and tells me this all the time. I know what you are thinking – he has to say that. Maybe, but he could just say nothing at all. I asked him if he preferred me the way I used to be and he said “Honestly, you were almost too skinny for me”. Interesting. I find the male response to this whole thing very intriguing. Any males out there who want to chime in on this, please do – obviously not telling me I’m sexy (unless you want to), but just commenting on the whole female body thang.
10. I am now in the position to be a positive role model for other females, both young and old. My previous body was unrealistic and unattainable for most. It took a lot of hard training and strict eating, and wasn’t even healthy. I was practically a male! No boobs, no period, no hips. Sounds pretty masculine to me!

So how did I do it? How did I go from hating my body at 57kg (172cm tall, 'cos I know you were wondering) to loving it at around 62-64kg (not exactly sure what my weight is – I broke up with the scales a while ago)? Well, it wasn’t easy. I didn’t just suddenly wake up and go “Hurrah! I am woman, hear me roar!”. These are the things that were invaluable to complete body image backflip:

1. Support. Lots and lots of it. From loved ones, and from you folks through the interwebs – thank you!
2. The knowledge that I might be helping others in a similar situation – this was a massive driver! I truly hope I can help others, even if it is just one person
3. The realisation that menstruation is a sign of fertility. Fertility is a sign of health. Body fat is needed for menstruation. Ergo body fat is healthy.
4. Self-love. I know this sounds really woo-woo, but it truly helped me understand the underlying thoughts I had about my body and how to change them. Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles, and Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life are invaluable resources. Get them both. NOW!
5. Yoga. Yes, I am well and truly a hippy now. I even have crystals throughout my house. Candles too. But back to yoga. Aside from being able to bend and balance my way into poses that I was once only dreamed of doing, yoga taught me how to focus on my body’s ability, rather than it’s aesthetics.
6. The realisation that those who really matter in your life could not give a flying fuck (sorry - I was overdue for a swear word) if you are a size 8 or a size 14

Image via care2.com

This is my body. In your eyes, it may not be perfect. I have cellulite. I have stretch marks (in fact, I had cellulite and stretch marks before putting on weight). I don’t have abs. Or a thigh gap. But in my eyes, what I see and how I feel, for the first time in my life, I am completely and unashamedly happy. This is 100% me. I am not a replica of someone else, nor am I trying to be. I am confident and I am healthy, and I hope that I have sparked the desire in you to love, accept and appreciate your body exactly as it is. xx

Melissa Ambrosini - self-love guru

Melissa Ambrosini is a glowing (literally) example of health, in every sense of the word. I am so honoured to be able to share this interview with you all. I hope she inspires you (as she has me) to show yourself a little more lovin'. 

1.    Please tell us a little about who you are, what you do and how you got here.

I help people become the best version of themselves. I am a writer, a speaker, a blogger, a coach, and a self-love teacher. I empower women to take control of their health and life, and to live the life of their dreams.

I had adrenal fatigue, thyroid problems, high levels of mercury, serious PMT, depression, loads of mineral deficiencies, an eating disorder, adult acne, eczema and a serious case of cold sores all over my face, mouth and even down my throat. What the hell!

Hit the rewind button and I was travelling the world, living the ‘dream’. In between dancing at the Moulin Rouge and working on TV shows such as Packed to the Rafters and Home and Away, I was partying my pants off in places like London, Paris, and New York. I thought I had ‘made it’. People would say to me. ‘You’re so lucky. You have everything!’ At the time, I really thought I did. My happiness was measured by the next gig, the size of my bank account, model boyfriends, and designer handbags. But, the truth was: I felt completely lost, scared, and empty.

I was running on adrenalin at a million miles an hour, working way too much, burning myself out, and living in a constant state of stress. Not surprisingly, I was suffering anxiety and severe panic attacks. To make matters worse, I was practically living off champagne, appetizers, and four hours of sleep a night.

It probably seems inevitable that my body would crash and burn! The thing is: I ignored not just one but several bright, BIG, red, warning signs. There was the time I fell down the stairs, almost breaking my back and snapping my ankle. I’d been in and out of hospital half a dozen times that year. My doctor was on speed-dial and the constant cycle of antibiotics and other medications was literally what was keeping me going. It was NOT fun. But, still, I didn’t pay attention.

It wasn’t until I was lying in a hospital
 bed that I hit rock bottom and found
 my light bulb moment. I realised something BIG had to shift. I
 remember saying to myself, 

“I created
 this. I am the one who got me here. So, I am the ONLY person who can get me 
out!” 

There, in the hospital, surrounded
 by all the medications that had been keeping me going, I decided enough was enough. I took a vow. I vowed to stop looking outside of myself for happiness and well-being and start creating it from within.

This journey has been a truly fulfilling experience. Yes, there were some tough moments. But, now, I feel more connected, grounded, content, and loving than I could ever have imagined. My definition of success, like happiness, is no longer defined by my external world. These days, it all comes from within me and that has given me unimaginable freedom and joy in my life.

2.    How do you practice self-love each day?

Everything I do in my life comes from a place of love. I no longer do anything that is driven by fear. For example: in the past I would eat processed junk food to fill emotional voids. 

Now, I eat to nourish my body and soul because I love myself.

When you choose to live a life from love, every decision comes from love. This includes: the work you do, the people you choose to surround yourself with, how you move and treat your body. These are all a reflection of either love or fear.

I talk a lot about how to flex your self-love muscle in my eBook 12 Steps to Wellness. When I work one-on-one with women, we really exercise this muscle so that is becomes ingrained. 

3.    I read that you battled body issues in the past. If you could go back and speak to your younger self, what would your advice be?

Don't compare yourself, gorgeous.

4.    What is your nutrition philosophy?

To me, wellness and health aren’t just about what you put into your mouth. It's a mind, body, and spirit alignment and connection. You can’t have one without the other. You can’t be eating organic food without dealing with your emotions. It all comes hand-in-hand. I believe it’s a complete holistic approach. 

It doesn't matter how much broccoli you eat. If you’re not dealing with what’s really going on emotionally for you, you will create your external world to reflect that back to you.

There’s a big difference between people who have “healthy habits” and people who embody a healthy lifestyle. The person with the healthy habits goes to the gym, eats relatively well, still parties, deprives her body, calorie counts, and doesn’t make self-care a priority. The person who embodies a healthy lifestyle lives, eats and breathes wellness. Self-care is at the top of her “to do” list. Local markets on the weekend are a joy. Exercise is done for fun not to lose weight, and their happiness is a reflection of their inner peace. I teach people how to dive into the latter. I am not into quick fixes, diets, or detoxes. I am about helping you embark on your own path to wellness journey.

My food philosophy:

I believe we should all be eating how our ancestors ate. 

1. Chemical and pesticide-free, so all-organic and local fruit and veg (in season) where possible. Every time I eat, I give thanks to my food and where it has come from. Do you know where your food first started and how it got to your plate? I invite you to think about that.
2. All organic, grass-fed and grass-finished animal products are a non-negotiable for me. I will not put any meat in my mouth if I don't know where it has come from.
3. Wild or line caught seafood only.
4. Loads of clean, filtered water, herbal teas, fresh juices and smoothies, coconuts, and Kombucha.
5. No processed foods, sugar, refined carbs, dairy, soy, gluten, Trans fats, MSG and alcohol. I believe our bodies don't cope well with breaking these down.
6. Conscious eating. I practice and teach conscious eating. Being present whilst you eat is extremely powerful. Try it!
7. I see food as medicine and not something to fill emotional voids or to do out of habit or boredom. If there is something emotionally going on, I sit with it and dive into the feeling. I don't go and suppress it with food.
8. I choose foods that I know have been made with love and care, not something that has a longer shelf life than I do.
9. I subscribe to the Melissa Ambrosini diet. What do you subscribe to? Everyone is different. What works for me may not be right for you. So I invite you to tune in with your body and feel what it’s craving.

5.    If you could choose just one food, for health and taste, what would it be and why?

Can I say a drink? I love green smoothies. I could live off them! ;) 

(Go HERE for one of Melissa's green smoothie recipes)

6.    Please tell us about your Babes not Bears event.

My Babes not Bears event was all about self-love and giving people the tools to combat their inner mean girl (aka ego). I shared a lot of my own personal stories and struggles and gave them tangible ways to bring out the best version of themselves and to live the life of their dreams.

It was LOADS of fun.

Thanks so much Melissa! You are an amazing inspiration to us all. 

You can this gorgeous girl at: 

Her Website

Facebook

Twitter

So friends - how are YOU going to incorporate more self-love into your day?

How's your self-perception?

Hey folks. This is going to be a really quick post as I feel that the video I'm going to share says it all. 

We often have a bit of a warped view of what we actually look like. The reality is we are so much more beautiful than what we perceive ourselves to be. And the more we believe we are beautiful, the more this radiates outwards, and the more beautiful we become to others. This is called "mirroring"”, where your experiences with the world are a direct reflection of your internal state. I first heard about mirroring from Gabrielle Berstein. Smart chick that one. Check her out at http://gabbyb.tv

Anywho, here's the video. Watch it through to the end. I found it to be incredibly poignant and eye-opening. 

If the video doesn't show up on your page, you can click through to it HERE

What are your thoughts? Quite concerning, right? Can you relate? Maybe time to work on a little self-love? 

Check out the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty HERE

That's all for today. Shortest post EVER!! (patting self on back). 

x

Hypothalamic amenorrhea - huge thanks and an update

First of all I have to say how blown away by how much support I received from you all following my last blog post (which you can read HERE if you haven’t done so already). It was honestly so overwhelming – I can’t even express in words the gratitude I felt/feel.

I also received a lot of comments/emails/messages from women/girls who are in the same situation. No period for quite some time. Realise they need to put on weight as they are jeopardising their health and fertility. Scared to do so. 

What bothers me is the amount of conversations I have had that go like this:

Me: “I haven’t had my period in 2 years”

Them: “Oh that happened to me too”

Me: “Really? How’d you fix it”

Them: “Oh I just ate more and stopped being obsessive with exercise”

And what really concerns me is how blasé everyone is about all of this. Like losing your period in the pre-menopausal years is normal. I’ve got news for you – IT’S NOT! If your health is suboptimal, your reproductive system will be the first to stop working. You don’t need it to survive. And the first sign of your reproductive system going into shutdown mode is a lack of menstruation. Let’s not dull down how significant this actually is peeps!

OK, so I thought I should give you an update on my progress. No period yet. I have put on 6-7kg. Note – this has been over the past 4-5 months, not the past 5 weeks. That would not be healthy. Just as a healthy weight loss is around ½ kg per week, a healthy weight gain is about the same. I have reached the weight that gives me a BMI of 22 (I was 19.6 before). This is where my doctor and naturopath felt would be ideal for me in terms of baby-making.

How have I done it? I eat more. And I eat more carbs. I snack – mostly on smoothies. Yes, I have become one of those annoying people who drinks green smoothies, but not in a mason jar. My friend Caitlin won’t allow that kind of crap. She already tells me that giving thumbs up isn’t cool anymore. 

Just for you, Caitlin. xx

Aaahh where would I be without my young uni friends to keep me in line?! But I still eat in a paleo/primal/Weston A Price manner. Just because I have needed to gain weight doesn’t mean I should throw away all of my basic nutritional beliefs and principles. Especially in the pre-baby-making phase of my life. You can read my post on that here.

How do I feel about it? I’m not going to lie. I still have the occasional “I’m fat” moments. And then I just give myself a mental slap in the face, tell myself I’m beautiful (yes, I have also become one of those hippy-dippy self-love people. Laugh all you want. It helps), then get back to focusing on things that actually matter in life. You see, what I have realised is this – nobody cares if your thighs touch except you. And you only care because you think everyone else cares. Which they don’t. So stop caring! And please….go and un-like anything related to the “box-gap”. That shit is just going too far!

Because I like lists so much, I have decided to create a little pros and cons of gaining weight:

Cons

• My jeans don’t fit me anymore – actually it’s only one pair that doesn’t fit. The rest are pretty good with their stretch-ability (yes, that is a word!).
• I probably won’t be called up by Victoria to replace Miranda as her new Angel.

Pros

• I have boobs (see below) – this may seem insignificant to all you life-long well-endowed ladies out there, but coming from someone who has always struggled to fill an A cup (don’t laugh!), it’s pretty exciting! My husband also agrees. Although he says he likes my old boobs just as much. Smart man. Very smart man. Learn from this, gents!
• My skin and eyes are clearer than they have ever been (see below). And I don’t use any fancy shmancy skin products. I use olive oil and soap. Maybe a bit of rosehip oil in the winter. That’s it!

No filters - I felt it only right to show my skin as it is. And boobs.
Thanks to Bloch for the new top! 

• I feel stronger. I can lift heavier weights in the gym! Despite doing less exercise overall. Maybe there’s a lesson there….?
• I have more energy. Eating more = more nutrients getting in!
• Most of the time, I actually feel more comfortable in my body. Seriously. For the first time in about 15 years, I feel good. Really good.
• My husband still finds me sexy and my friends still want to hang out with me. Some of you may laugh at this one and say “of course they do!”, but this is actually a legitimate concern for some people (including me) as stupid as it may sound (and yes, we know it sounds stupid too, but the mind works in funny ways).
• Did I mention I have boobs?!

So it would seem that this whole business ain’t so bad after all!? And yes, as I said, there are days when I feel a little frumpy and want to go back to my svelte ways. But slowly, the good days are crowding out the bad. These things take time. And they can be scary. If you’re in the same position as me, please don’t feel that you have to do it alone. Telling friends and family (or, in my case, the entire inter-webs) about what’s going on can be so powerful. The feedback and support you receive might surprise you. I can tell you – writing that blog was the best thing I have ever done for my health. But if you don’t want to tell people close to you, feel free to tell me – either in the comments below or email me kate@theholisticnutritionist@gmail.com. This is an issue that needs more attention! So let’s get talking!

Thanks again everyone! Much love to you all! I'm off to have a bath and admire my new boobs! (kidding! Or am I?) xx