Tuesday 10 June 2014

How I got the body I've always wanted

This past weekend, I turned 30. Officially in the dirty thirties now. And I feel great. Fantastic, in fact.

My awesome hubby took me on a helicopter flight for my b'day!
It has been 1 year since I wrote my postabout putting on weight to restore my fertility. It has been 3 years since I lost my period due to under-eating, over-exercising, taking the birth control pill and being a stressed-out, maniacal perfectionist. It has been an interesting 30-year journey of progressing from someone who was constantly trying to change her body to meet some unrealistic ideal, to someone who actually loves the skin she is in. And I am not just saying that. For the first time in my life, I actually really love my body.

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but putting it off. Not sure why. I guess we all have a fear of being judged in a negative light. So I ask you to please, if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all. OK here goes...

For reference purposes, here is my before and after pic to show my progress. Please excuse the hair in both shots – one was scraggly beach hair and the other sweaty post-workout hair. But it’s not about the hair (although it is thicker and more lustrous nowadays). Let’s take an objective view here, simply looking at the change in body shape.


On the left, you will see “Check out my 8-pack, you think I'm healthy and fit , but my fertility is in the shitter” Kate. I showed this to a friend the other day and she said “Oh wow! What were you training for?”. Nothing. I was training for my illusive “dream body”. Pfft.

On the right, you will see “Check out my boobs, I look healthy and feminine and my internal state reflects this” Kate. There are just two things that I do not like about this pic – 
1)My lack of tan (although I have that many layers on here in Wanaka that a tan would not even get noticed) and 
2)The selfie pose. I hate bathroom-half-naked selfies. It makes you look like such a wanker. I apologise. I am doing this for reference purposes, not to show off or entice more Instagram followers.

OK, so aside from having boobs (seriously, I’m still obsessed with them), what is so great about my new body? Probably best if I list out the reasons, as I tend to do. As always, feel free to just read the bolded text to get a general gist:
  1. I have unbelievable energy. I used to have to take regular naps throughout the day, just to make it through. Now, I can soldier through, completely sans-caffeine. Funny what happens when you start to eat enough
  2. The whites of my eyes are crystal clear. They used to be constantly bloodshot and my vision was blurry. I relied on ClearEyes, and I wasn’t even getting stoned!
  3. My skin is clear and wrinkle free. Previously, it would look kind of dry and lackluster
  4. My nails are thick and strong. For the first time in my life, my nails are not snapping off as soon as a little bit of white appears. I used to have vertical ridges (signs of adrenal fatigue) and horizontal ridges (signs of thyroid issues). These ridges are almost non-existent now
  5. My gray hairs have disappeared. Now this one I find quite odd, and did not think it possible. I used to have quite a few gray hairs, and my hairdresser can vouch for this – she kindly pointed out a patch of grays on my head that I would have otherwise been unaware of. Thanks Leigh. Those grays – all gone! Bizarre, right?
  6. My cycle is getting back on track. Thank God, because that’s the whole reason I headed down this road. It’s not perfect – about 40 day cycles, but compared to the nothingness of about 6mths ago, this is a pretty significant improvement
  7. I can do crazy yoga shit. Seriously – handstands and backbends and balances and all sorts of awesome stuff. I am loving it! I would never have gone down the yoga path if I wasn’t forced to sort out my stress and pull back on the chronic cardio that I was doing
  8. I am so much more in tune with my body now. I listen to how it feels and I respond with understanding and respect, rather than saying “Harden up! It’ll be worth it”, because more often than not, it won’t be worth it.
  9. My hubby thinks I am sexy and tells me this all the time. I know what you are thinking – he has to say that. Maybe, but he could just say nothing at all. I asked him if he preferred me the way I used to be and he said “Honestly, you were almost too skinny for me”. Interesting. I find the male response to this whole thing very intriguing. Any males out there who want to chime in on this, please do – obviously not telling me I’m sexy (unless you want to), but just commenting on the whole female body thang.
  10. I am now in the position to be a positive role model for other females, both young and old. My previous body was unrealistic and unattainable for most. It took a lot of hard training and strict eating, and wasn’t even healthy. I was practically a male! No boobs, no period, no hips. Sounds pretty masculine to me!

So how did I do it? How did I go from hating my body at 57kg (172cm tall, 'cos I know you were wondering) to loving it at around 62-64kg (not exactly sure what my weight is – I broke up with the scales a while ago)? Well, it wasn’t easy. I didn’t just suddenly wake up and go “Hurrah! I am woman, hear me roar!”. These are the things that were invaluable to complete body image backflip:

  1. Support. Lots and lots of it. From loved ones, and from you folks through the interwebs – thank you!
  2. The knowledge that I might be helping others in a similar situation – this was a massive driver! I truly hope I can help others, even if it is just one person
  3. The realisation that menstruation is a sign of fertility. Fertility is a sign of health. Body fat is needed for menstruation. Ergo body fat is healthy.
  4. Self-love. I know this sounds really woo-woo, but it truly helped me understand the underlying thoughts I had about my body and how to change them. Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles, and Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life are invaluable resources. Get them both. NOW!
  5. Yoga. Yes, I am well and truly a hippy now. I even have crystals throughout my house. Candles too. But back to yoga. Aside from being able to bend and balance my way into poses that I was once only dreamed of doing, yoga taught me how to focus on my body’s ability, rather than it’s aesthetics.
  6. The realisation that those who really matter in your life could not give a flying fuck (sorry - I was overdue for a swear word) if you are a size 8 or a size 14
Image via care2.com
This is my body. In your eyes, it may not be perfect. I have cellulite. I have stretch marks (in fact, I had cellulite and stretch marks before putting on weight). I don’t have abs. Or a thigh gap. But in my eyes, what I see and how I feel, for the first time in my life, I am completely and unashamedly happy. This is 100% me. I am not a replica of someone else, nor am I trying to be. I am confident and I am healthy, and I hope that I have sparked the desire in you to love, accept and appreciate your body exactly as it is. xx

27 comments:

  1. Oh my god, I almost felt like I was reading my own story! Yours is so similar to mine, even down to the weight you were and are now. Congrats on your newfound ( hard earned ) health and happier body! Also, I think you are right about the male perspective on women's weight - my husband is obsessed with my boobs ever since they grew a couple sizes :)

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    1. Thank you! I hope you are also happy and healthy. Enjoy your awesome boobs! xx

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  2. Yey Kate!! you look amazing - super healthy and super fit. I know how much effort it is to be crazy lean and it's not worth it, nor is it sustainable. my body fought that low weight for a reason - because it wasn't healthy for me. I had the same problems with undereating, overtraining & losing my natural cycle. I have recently gained weight and it's all kicked back in. the hardest part has absolutely been to learn to accept my new body. I still struggle with that. but it's a matter of 5kgs, which most people don't notice and who cares if they do? 5kgs is nothing if it means I'm healthy and can carry a little monster in my belly :) here's hoping! good luck gorgeous girl. I love reading your posts x

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    1. Exactly! 5kg is really nothing - first world problems, I say. Your fertility and hormonal health (and happiness) is so much more important! Good luck! xx

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  3. Kate. Thank you so much for such an honest and relatable post. You are truly such an inspiration to not only me but every woman who lives in this world of crazy and unrealistic expectations! Well done girl, lots of love, Rebecca Williams (aka Beccy x) x

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    1. Thanks gorgeous lady! You are always such a sweetheart! Lots of love to you! xx

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  4. Thanks for sharing Kate. I reckon that self-love is paramount. I have read You Can Heal you Life in 2011 after I left Primal Fitness, and have written a post about it ( with my bad English :-) http://sclerite.blogspot.fr/2011/09/idiopathic-scleritis-i-know-what-causes.html ) I think it will be a good thing for me to read it again. As I went through lots of pain over the last 15 years, my posture has become poor and my weight has been fluctuating like crazy. I find it hard to know who I am really "physically". But the most important should be how I feel rather than how I look. I do have cellulite and stretch marks ... but it should not be my concern as I have succeed to be in full remission and I have with my periods every 6 weeks. It is certainly the most important. Thanks for your article. I will definitely share it.

    Would you mind telling us who are the practitioners ( natural therapies or holistic doctors) you would recommend in Sydney ( specialised in fertility and women's health) ?

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    1. Thanks Nat. So glad your health is getting back on track. Good practitioners in Sydney - Kate Norris (GP), Angela Hywood (naturopath), Claire Grullemans (naturopath), Kate Johnston (naturopath), Francesca Naisch (fertility expert - go here if you really want to get things on track ASAP) xx

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  5. You are one freaking amazing woman!!!

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  6. Excellent post, Kate, and thankyou for being brave enough to share your experience. I'm currently where you were at 1 year ago and feel very hesitant to dive in and change my lifestyle. Your story is certainly a great help as proof you can be happy and healthy. Thanks!

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    1. Thank you. It can be a scary prospect, and it is a bumpy road along the way - often 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Tell people about your experience - you need as much support as you can get. And don't ever let the shape of your body define who you are as a person. xx

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  7. This is so fabulous Kate! You most certainly are my role model. I've just managed to get my periods back again and despite weighing 10lb+ more I feel so much better that I keep thinking why would I ever want to go back to being skinny and infertile again. (still waiting to grow some boobs though ha!) You seriously rock for this post, and all your posts in general!
    Did you find your hunger was erratic whilst getting your cycle back? I seem to be ravenous a lot of the time!

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    1. Thanks Sophie. So glad your periods have come back on track. In regards to the hunger, yes it was a little erratic, and it still is (I get more hungry at different times of the month), but I really try to acknowledge my hunger and respond by feeding it! Also, make sure you have plenty of carbs, fats and protein in your meals - do not restrict any macronutrients. Hope this helps! xx

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  8. Thank you for posting this. I am in the middle of dealing with being period-less. All blood work and otherwise is great, except my estrogen is too low. Doctors orders? Gain weight and stop running; start doing yoga. Harder than it sounds! Thanks for the inspiration. I truly appreciate it.

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    1. Hi Anonymous. Absolutely it is harder than it sounds! It took me about 2 years to actually seriously do something about it. I would be lying if I didn't know all that time that I had to put some weight on and do less exercise. Don't be too hard on yourself - these things take time. Good luck! xx

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  9. Love this!! Thank you for sharing Kate. Inspirational! X

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  10. This great Kate! I'm at the opposite end of the scale though, trying to lose weight to help with my fertility and general health and well-being. I know it's not the same journey as yours, but I found this post very inspirational for me. I'm struggling with self love at the moment and realise I haven't been very kind to myself or my body for a long while now, so I'm on a mission to change those things. Thanks for the honesty and inspiration, Kate. Good luck to you! xo

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    1. Thank you, Ellen. I wish you all the best health, happiness and love. Be kind to yourself! x

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  11. Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I'm sure a LOT (and sadly too many) girls and women will be able to relate to your story, including myself. I've suffered of an eating disorder for many years and I believe that I'm on the right path now. I haven't had any bulimic thoughts for a few weeks and I'm determined to move on and look after myself. I have myself not had a period for nearly 3 years and it is probably the sadest thing out of all this. It is so silly damaging your health like this isn't it? Definitely first world problem. Yet so hard to get over it. It takes a lot of strength.
    Well thank you again for sharing your story Kate, I wish you all the happiness and health in the world! xo

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    1. Thank you, anonymous. I am glad to hear that you are slowly getting better. These things do take time and its best to take them one day at a time and not get too stressed about it. I too, wish YOU all the happiness and health in the world! x

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  12. Hi Kate, I used to come to your Friday pm BA class and was also a fellow FF instructor (Cycle and CX) at Randwick a while back. Really loved your story, I've been through some similar developments/growth/life changes over the last 2 years too (and I'm about to turn 31 in two weeks). I've stopped instructing now, I realised I had an addiction that was making me sick, I miss the group buzz sometimes, but know I'm healthier without it. You were the one that put me onto Rob Wolf about two/three years ago and it was a slow process, but that was a starting point to learning about paleo eating, curbing and eventually cutting out the chronic cardio and changing goals to health rather than looks...anyway, just thought this was an opportunity to let you know, Sophie

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    1. Hey Sophie! Great to hear from you! I am so glad to hear that you have made some positive steps to heal your body. Yes, we can all get a little too caught up in the group fitness sometimes. Do stay in touch! x

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  13. I found your blog through your post this week on I Quit Sugar. Thank you for writing about your experiences! Based on that post {I never knew that vertical ridges in the finger nails is one of the signs of adrenal fatigue} and some research within symptoms in my family, I think I may have a mild form of it that has to do with a gluten allergy/sensitivity. I'm going to do more research! Thank you for your post - it seems to be quite the catalyst.

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  14. Thanks for this post I had similar issue run run run cause I love runnig I did lost my period very shortly after I started to run and it took me almost 1 year to realize that I can not run I mean I love running so so much but not my body not my fertility. I even think that paleo is sometimes too restrictive. As you I start to eat more more starches even white rice and once a month even sprouted lentils soup or sprouted einkorn bread with lots of butter. Yes I know it is not paleo food but I got my period back and now I have 2 beautiful kids:-). So do not be strict paleo enjoy food enjoy life do not stress about food.
    Sorry about english I am from europe Austria Vienna

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  15. Hi Kate,
    Saw your post on Sarah Wilson's website. So glad you covered this topic, there's very little info about it.
    I have a similar story. 31, Super fit, 'healthy' eater, (176cms, 63kgs), went off the pill because I wanted to get pregnant and... nothing. Took a while to get a diagnosis but then once I put on weight my period came back. I put on about four kilos, cut back on the exercise (went on walks and did yoga) and ate a lot of ice cream. All up, it was about twelve months from going off the pill to getting pregnant. Once I had my period, it all happened pretty quick. Now my daughter's a year old. I haven't got my period back - I've just stopped breastfeeding and probably need to gain a kilo or two.
    The weight gain is an odd thing. You realise it's ridiculous to worry about a few kilos, especially if you're putting them on to have a baby but... well, we're not always that rational. It is liberating though, you realise this obsession with being 'healthy' is... not that healthy. Someone I think people's massive focus on healthy eating is just an acceptable form of disordered eating. That's probably how it was for me, anyway.
    Good luck on your journey. People have different experiences with HA by the sounds of it. It takes some people longer to put on the weight and some people have to put on a lot but from the reading I've done if you do, it is reversible.
    xx

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